Xander's First Birthday

“Life becomes precious and more special to us when we look for the little everyday miracles and get excited about the privileges of simply being human.” ~Tim Hansel

Xander Everest MacLeod Noss turned 1 year old yesterday! It was a day of fun and celebration for the little tyke, as cousins and friends came over to the house bearing musical toys all wrapped up in pretty paper. John and I had stayed up until 1am the previous night getting everything ready and we were up by 6:45am that morning to finish the job! Xander wore his "guavera" onesie to give a shout out to the Puerto Rican side, and we served Salsa & Guacamole for the Mexican part! I baked an organic carrot cake (with not so good for you cream cheese icing) and muffins for the occasion. My little man even tried a bit of the cupcake! His first cupcake!
I have to admit that the day was a little bittersweet for me... my little baby is not really a baby anymore. He's a toddler now, which means more forays into independence and boundary testing. But, he's also communicating more, laughing, smiling and taking life on with gusto. Looking back at the photos of the past year has made me truly be thankful of our modern conveniences of digital cameras and video recorders... I haven't missed a moment of his wonderous life, and I'll be able to look back at his growth and change for years to come. It truly does go by so fast... (at least I have a second one on the way!)

And he takes off...

Xander started walking a week and a half ago, taking a few timid steps before sitting back on his rump. Now, he's walking around everywhere, barely crawling at all! He's SO happy! Check him out!

Stumbling into Toddlerhood

"Put you hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it feels like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it feels like a minute. THAT'S relativity." - Albert Einstein

My sweet baby boy, is turning into a sweet toddler... More often than not, he stands up and tries to walk where he wants to go, rather than crawl. I'm so proud of his fierce determination and his inexhaustible spirit! At 10 1/2 months, he's blown me away. I think some of his inspiration comes from his little playmate Josephine, who is 2 months older than him (although fittingly smaller, as a petite fille should be!). I swear he's trying to keep up with her!

Today I baby sat the two of them, while her mother caught up on some work stuff. I wish my camera hadn't run out of memory... I have never seem them so hyper before! They did laps around my living room squealing at the top of their lungs while they chased (combination of stumbling walk and crawling) each other. It was their first game of tag. My smile was plastered on, as I tried not to laugh at our little zombies - arms reached out, hands grasping, droll sliding down faces, as they stumbled around on inexperienced legs. Too funny!

Even though I didn't get any footage of the two of them together, I did get some footage of Xander walking earlier that morning... I love my little zombie toddler!

The Cat is out of the Bag

"Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold."
Zelda Fitzgerald

Well, it's no secret that I've been absent from the blog world this last few months. The reason, you ask? I little surprise in the proverbial oven. I didn't know I had some Irish in me, if you get my drift, as my children will only be 16 months apart... which is a big difference from the 3 years difference from me and my brother and the respective 20 & 23 years difference between me and my half sisters.

To be perfectly frank, I was not thrilled with the news... I still had the last 20lbs to loose from my first pregnancy (yes, Xander put 55lbs on my 5'4" frame even without eating junk food, fast food or sugar), I was slated to lead the Fall Teacher Training track at Yoga Yoga (yeah income!) and we were finally starting to get some sleep!
Then I get hit up side the head with a 2 x 4! Happy Mother's Day! Two dark lines on the pee test...

(Mental note: next time, for hubbies birthday, go the traditional route of a BJ not sex)

So here we go again... I've made my peace with the news, and realized that if it hadn't happened on accident, who knows if I'd be willing to go through the whole process again with me being 35+ and getting spoiled by having an older (and easier t0 manage) toddler.

Good news is the baby isn't due until January 3rd, which will put my 3rd trimester in the fall and winter instead of the horrendous Texas summers of 100 degrees like we did last time. I've got a better idea of what will happen with my body as well as familiarity with labor.

To counter act my bodies tendency to go past 40 weeks (Xander was 2 weeks late) my AMAZING accupuncturist/Ayurvedic doc Craig will be on hand to do some 3 day in row sessions to get labor going on my 39th week. I'll also be able to continue walking/exercising outside during my 3rd trimester (instead of being so swollen due to the heat/humidity that my feet couldn't fit into most shoes!) and I'm determined to make sure I don't gain anywhere near 55lbs this time! I wish they had Crossfit for preggers....

On the other hand, the looming reality of what is to come has started to bare it's head. Already this baby hasn't gotten the attention that Xander received in utero. Half the time I forget that I'm pregnant, since I have a 9 month old that is demanding attention, and I feel that I don't give enough attention to Xander due to the morning sickness and bionic tiredness I've been feeling. How does one keep all these plates in the air? The reality is you don't... somethings gotta give. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it.

Other mothers of two tell me that your heart just expands and that you love the next child as much as the first, and nothing is taken away from the first... it must be true, I know, but at this point in the process I don't how it happens. I look into my little boy's bright blue eyes, and don't know how he cannot be the center of my Universe... how is he gonna feel about sharing Mom and Dad? How will I be able to give all of myself to the next baby and to Xander? Maybe it's a question left up the theoretical physicists of the world.

Ready, set... GO!

"If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun" - Katherine Hepburn

Well, it's official! Xander is now crawling! From an unsure scoot and pull, but full out tummy off the floor and a determined destination in one weekend! No longer will my baby stay put in the place I put him... and in fact, all the places I'd rather he not go, he finds in a heartbeat (such as under the entertainment system and the dog bed). I'm finding that my new mantra is "Not for baby!", which usually received with a loud yell or even tears as he's put facing the opposite direction or as I confiscate his immediate obsession.

To be truthful, John and I have been talking about baby proofing for months, but we've been procrastinating. It would entail finding a tall console table to put the Blue-ray player, computer and sound system on, as well as figuring out how to mount the flat screen on the wall. We cannot wait any longer, he's heading for anything and everything that's at his eye level, as well as everything that he can use to pull up to standing.

Now, given that John threw his back out yesterday (sprained a ligament along his spine) and is sequestered to the couch and on both pain medication and muscle relaxers, makes this new crawling thing a whole world of fun! Poor Daddy...

Xander also had THE best time at the pool this weekend with his cousin Zoe... he splashed around the kiddie pool a bunch and forayed (with me of course) into the big pool. He had so much fun, that he ended up passing out at 7pm that night. Whew! Nice break for Mama!

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear came true today. I had a dream when I was pregnant that our half lab and half chow dog Casey would try to bite our baby Xander. Well, today, while John was sitting on the rug with our little boy, playing and laughing next to a calm (it would seem) Casey the world suddenly stood still. Even as time slows down, you never seem to be able to quick enough. Little Xander reached over and grabbed Casey's neck and the dog growled and snapped, striking Xander in the face. The chaos that in sued was phenomenal... I yelled and grabbed the dog's collar and tossed him out side. John swept little Xander in his arms to check out any damage. Little Xander started crying, mostly out of fear than pain. Xander escaped with only a welt on his forhead and cheek - the result of Casey's teeth scrapping against his skin.
I grabbed my baby from John and told him that the dog must go, he had ONE chance, and now it's done. Xander did NOTHING wrong. He was simply playing and exploring. He didn't hurt the dog, but simply pet him, and the dog's reaction was UNACCEPTABLE.
We've had one warning - luckily Xander was not permanently scarred, either mentally or physically. But there will be NO next time. Since becoming a mother, I have a single-minded protective instinct that supersedes any other thought. Protect my child above all else. Nothing else is as important.
Good bye Casey... I will chose Xander EVERYTIME.

Finding Balance

"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious." - Albert Einstein

It's ironic that once you get into a grove, everything turns upside down... I'm finding that I'm working just as hard as little Xander in finding balance. As he become more mobile (not quite crawling yet), I'm becoming a little more rigid. Yes, the yoga teacher is become more inflexible. Ahhh motherhood... what surprises do you have left for me!
Xander is pulling up a lot... and trying to find his balance. He's learning that feet farther apart tends to allow him to stay up for longer stints, and that he can lean on objects (sometime people or animals even!). His passion is astounding! He will keep trying to stay up standing, over and over again. The more tired he gets, the more determined (and frustrated!) he becomes.
My job is to make sure he doesn't fall too hard, because fall he must. I fight the urge to catch him, and only make sure his head doesn't hit the tile. It's hard to hear his cries of frustration as his limbs don't do exactly what he wants, but it's important for him to work through it. If I pick him up and set him back on his feet every time he'll never learn how to do it for himself.... so I fight the urge.
Now as all this new and exciting stuff is happening, I'm finding it even more important to keep to his routine, some thread of consistency in this daily storm of new adventures and milestones. Xander does not tend to agree... nap time has become a struggle of wills, bedding down for the night becomes a long and arduous process and diaper or outfit changing is now a full on wrestling match!
Thank goodness for my Yoga Mama friend Lisa and her daughter Josephine! As Josephine is a full 2 months a head of Xander, Lisa has been where I am and helps to keep me sane. Here I am, a yoga mama trying to find my balance in a quickly moving current that is my baby's life.

Play dates

"Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" - C.S. Lewis

One of the most rewarding and fun experiences Xander and I have together are play dates. Every week we go see our little cousin Zoe, who is 2years old. Xander is utterly fascinated with her and watches her like a hawk... studying every nuance and movement. When in the car together, Zoe holds his hand sometimes, and recently he's started reaching for her!

But I have to say, I think his favorite play date is with Josephine... she's a pretty little girl, just 2 months older than him. Her mama and I used to swim at Barton Springs while pregnant during those hot Texas summer months, and I swear, they energetically remember each other! Everytime he sees her, his face breaks out into a HUGE smile. I swear, they are Pebbles and Bam Bam... he hasn't yet clubbed her but he has taken her toys... Ah, the courtship begins...

Places to go and things to climb

"We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery." ~ H.G. Wells

My sweet little baby is moving out of infancy and into toddler-hood... he's learning to rely on himself to get where he wants, as well as developing a tremendous drive to explore what's beyond his immediate surroundings. How he can change and learn so fast is amazing! He floors me everyday!
Please watch and enjoy his antics!

Flashback

I had an intense flashback of the memory of Xander's birth the other day. It happened when Jenny Orona texted me to say that my good friend Prema's water had broke while they were eating dinner at Habana's on S. Congress. Now, mind you, I didn't have the pleasure of my water breaking on it's own (or even in a public venue!), but Prema is with the same OBGYN and was to deliver at the same hospital we did.
I felt my stomach drop and clench at the same time... like butterflies that grew into bats! She called me 20 minutes later, letting me know that she had had 3 contractions in a row that were 5minutes apart. I remember thinking that she should probably hang up with me and call Dr. Sebestyen back right away! My heart was with her as she talked to me about her excitement and wonder, while bravely trying to keep the panic out of her voice. Before hanging up, I made sure she knew she could call on me to go the hospital and be with her if she needed me.
I don't think I slept very well that night... I had so many dreams. One of which was that I was on the phone with Prema again, this time she was at the hospital, and she told me that she needed to call me back in 10minutes, as the baby was just ready to be born!
Jenny O texted me at 6:30am - Prema was pushing! Aparently, Jenny didn't know what hospital Prema had gone too, so she texted her to find out... Prema's reply was "pushing". Now, for all of those mama's out there, I'm sure your jaw just dropped, I know mine did.... for those who are not in the "pushed a baby out of my V-Jayjay" club, I cannot express the amazement that anyone could still text during labor. But leave it to Prema!
I got a final text a few hours later, informing me that little, perfect baby Evan Grayburn Vaughan Landin was born on March 18th at 7:58am after only 11 hours of labor. Welcome to this wonderful world my sweet boy... Xander has been awaiting your arrival!

Curiouser and curiouser...

"At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then." - Alice in Wonderland (Lewis Carroll)

My cousin-in-law Casey Tabor remarked to me the other day, "I swear, I see Xander at least once a week, and he still seems to change constantly!" I guess because I am with my wee babe (or not so wee anymore!) for most of everyday, his changes see more gradual. Although we do have momentous moments, like crawling backward on the bed and pulling up in his crib, his general appearance and demeanor don't strike me as very different from day to day. With that said, when I look back at pictures of him from even as close to a week ago, I can see the remarkable difference! Xander changes constantly, from the minute he wakes up to when he goes to bed at night, it just me whose to slow to see it most days! Everyday he vocalizes more, understands more, and wants more... it makes me think about my own self. Am I as committed to my growth and evolution as a human being on this little blue planet? Sad to say, no, I am not... what happened? Where did that drive go? He has utterly inspired me to finish projects and start adventures that have been neglected far too long. This tiny little being has put new life into this tired and complacent dame... now only if he would allow me the time....

Gotta Earn It

Funny... I came across a Marilyn Monroe quote today and it made me think about Xander.
Here's the quote:
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

It reminded me that I have to earn the title of Mother. I signed up to raise a human being, and at times, it ain't so pretty. Growing up is hard... it's frustrating... and sometimes it hurts. Xander is sometimes grumpy, tired or fussy, and he doesn't have the freedom to fix whatever is bothering him on his own. He has to rely on me and hope that I understand what he's asking.
Even on the particularly "bad" days, I'm always rewarded with a stellar smile and a clutching hug... I gotta earn this title... I want to deserve him at his best.

To Grandmother's House We Go!

It's been really nice having family nearby that we can visit with. Xander and I have been making a point to go and see our cousins in San Marcos. It gets me out of the house and out of my little hermit-like town of Kyle and lets Xander socialize with Zoe, his cousin (second cousin to be exact), who is 2 years old. Casey (Zoe's mother) and I usually meet up around noon at a great little coffee house called "Wake the Dead" where we have a warm drink and a snack while wrangling her toddler. This entails trying to keep Zoe from pinching Xander's face or taking his toys away, as well as supervising her attempts to climb into Xander's empty stroller. Xander sits on the couch with me, watching EVERYTHING Zoe does... I'm assuming he's taking notes on how to full embrace the terrible twos! Inevitably, we go outside (they have a fabulous outdoor patio/courtyard) where I sit with Xander in the sunshine, and poor Casey tries to keep Zoe from hurting herself or anyone else.
By Zoe's third temper tantrum we are ready to go, and we meet back at my Aunt and Abuela's house. I've been visiting that house for more than 20 years. I used to spend one month every summer of my childhood in that house, playing on it's 3 acres, and now, it's Xander's turn.
We usually go in and see my Abuela Mercedes, and her sister Eva, who looks after her during the day. Although my dear Abuela has dementia, she's still lucid enough to remember me and remember Xander's name. He, in turn, flirts with them by smiling and showing off his new vocal range.
My cousin Chas set up a swing in the gazebo, so we end our day there. It's the highlight of Xander's excursion... he'll easily spend a good 15-20minutes just swinging back and forth, smiling the entire time. It reminds me of when my Abuelo used to swing me in the tire swing on those long Texas summer nights so long ago...

A New Jeep Stroller

Well, we broke down and got the Jeep stroller. With all the forays into Zilker Park and the Austin Botanical Gardens we decided that we needed a stroller that could "off road". I can't wait to take it out for a spin! It has a cute sound interactive "steering wheel" for Xander as well as an IPod doc for mama (or daddy)! AWESOME!
Daddy, thankfully, put it all together while Mommy was at work. Pheww!
In other news, we've recently discovered that Xander talks to our oldest cat (14yrs) Easter. While going through some of his recently grown out clothes, we witnessed Xander answering Easter's graveling 30year smoker-like meow, with his own gravely meow. Very cute... he even reached his little arm out to her as he replied. Thank goodness John put the record app. for the IPhone on his phone. This call and answer (or copy) went on for 5 minutes!
Also, due to the 2 teeth Xander has, we've recently started brushing his teeth. He loves it! He even opens his mouth to fully get the gum message experience! Dental hygiene rocks!

Momma Belly

It's been almost 6 months since my "vagina opened to the size of a small melon" (to quote my husband) to evict my beautiful little boy. Now, mind you, Xander was a full 2 weeks late, so you can imagine the state of my belly. I'm wondering when my body will return to it's pre-pregnancy state. Or at least, return to some semblance of what it once was.
Clothing, which used to give me such joy, is now a chore to pick out, mostly because nothing fits right. Extra skin tends to bubble up in strange places, giving use to the term "muffin top". I did, however, manage to fit in to my "fat jeans" this week.... ahh, small victories.

Date night

Yesterday, John and I were able to go on a "post-Valentine's Day" date, due to him being off for President's Day and our friends being willing to babysit. This was our first date since December, when we were away in Ann Arbor, MI visiting my relatives, and my mother and brother were generous enough to give us an afternoon off!
It was a lovely and quiet day, being a week day and lunch time in San Antonio. I had managed to put some make-up on, style my hair, and managed to squeeze into a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans. I even wore heels! Although, I will say, I asked John if I still looked like a mommy, and he said I always look like a mommy... not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I'll take it as a compliment. We sat next to each other at a booth at the Flying Saucer and ordered a fancy salad and a deluxe burger to share. We had a huge selection of draft pints at half off, which made John VERY happy! All in all, a perfect lunch.
The thing is, once you become a parent, you can't really shut it off. It's like a state of mind that does not reverse itself. Even though you are having fun, as an adult with another adult, in the back of your mind, you are always thinking about your child, wondering if they are okay, hoping that they are not torturing the baby sitter, praying that they took their nap or drank enough milk to not be fussy, etc, etc. We miss him, even when he's grumpy. It's kind of hard to have a ton of fun without the little tyke. I'd rather have a date night with three...

Valentine's Day thoughts

Today, on this fabulous day of Saint Valentine, I was thinking about Love and all the different kinds of love I have experienced in my wee 34 (soon to be 35) years of existing on this little blue planet.
There's how much I love my parents, and how that love has changed and grown over the years (and to be honest, even strained for a few years during puberty). And don't forget the first pangs of hormonal Junior High obsessive love, whether it be for a classmate or most likely some teeniebopper marketed, radio over-played singer. How you could be SO crushed if they did something rude or mean, and you could change your feelings from obsessing to despising with a week.
There was my first "grown-up" love in collage, which managed to turn into a 10 year committed relationship. And then there's discovery of self-love, where you actually like yourself and put your mental, emotional and psychological health above all the crazy people you have managed to attract into your life! Later comes the more mature love, that has less to do with "hipness" and more with emotional, social and lifestyle compatibility.
And finally, "love-at-first-sight", and how that TRULY exists. I know it does, and every parent feels it when they see their child for the first time. You are utterly and totally unprepared for it, but grateful and humbled by it as well. I have never known a love so fierce in my life - I have become a more outspoken, vigilant and honest person due to this tiny person. I have never been more connected or more protective of another human being than I am with Xander.
And, with this deepening of feeling, comes a more tender love between my spouse and I. We are a family now. Connected through our son for the rest of our lives.
It doesn't get much better than that...

A Conversation Starter

Well, having a wee babe has made life all together much more interesting. There are parts of your life that you end up letting go of, and even friends you may not see very often, if at all. Children make life much more complicated and a less spontaneous in the traditional ways... planning and organizing become less of a "I'm working on it" and more of a "can't live sanely with out it". Trips to the grocery store are epic journeys and errands are done in pairs, with stops home or to friends houses (those with other small children) to change a poopy diaper or to feed a hungry, grumpy child. Spontaneity is more about bodily functions finding a trajectory for your clothing, your hair or someone's couch or nice bedspread.
With all that said, I find that perfect strangers are willing to come up and say something nice to me. All because of the cute, wiggly, smiley little bundle of beans you are carrying in your arms. Where I was often ignored in a grocery store line, cash register clerks will smile and offer to help carry out groceries to my car. People standing next to me in line will start up a conversation and help entertain my squirmy boy. At the airport, during the post-Christmas/pre-New Years hub-bub, both the ticketing agents and the security guards were nice and smiled at us!
Even my husband, John, has remarked how everyone talks to him now. He recently took little Xander to the Independence Brewery 1st of the month Open House here in Austin, TX. He came home with stories of random people, couples, Dads and single ladies all starting conversations with him. Whereas before, he was mostly ignored (being heinously miss grouped in the catagory "single dude looking to get trashed and hook up). It's as if Xander is a badge that tells everyone, "Yes, I'm normal and not at all creepy".
A kid, for better or worse, is definitely a conversation starter...

Ch-ch-changes....

It's crazy to look back at older pictures of my little Xander. He truly has changed dramatically. He's sitting up now without much assistance (although he will topple over when he reaches for something that just a little out of reach!), he smiles and laughs at the dogs, his daddy and his mommy of course! He even tries to "pet" the cats, which bless our precious felines, not one has hissed at him or swatted at him. They quietly take the abuse and then move away once he looses interest. Talk about Zen kitties!
One of his favorite things to do is to sit up in his pack and play, surrounded by his Clifford, the Big Red dog stuffed animal and chew on his Clifford book... I think it must be the vibrant color! A most voracious reader, if I do say so myself.
My day consists on just marveling at this amazing person before me. I even love his new obsession with screeching a high pitch wail at the top of his lungs when he's excited. My eardrums are taking a beating, but it makes me smile every time...

Looking back...

Last night we went to see our friends Miro and Marcela. They had just welcomed a baby girl into the world, Adriana, on Saturday afternoon. As we packed up our 20lbs 5month old into his Britax car seat (yes, he is too big to fit into the infant car seat we originally had!), I tried to remember what it was like for us during those first few days at home with a newborn. It's hard to remember Xander as tiny... or at least tiny for him, as he was born at 9lbs 5oz! The last five months has been full of growth and milestones. He laughs, smiles, and reaches for us... he's interactive. I can barely remember the days when his eyes couldn't focus on us and his hands were balled up and uncoordinated. So it was with great curiosity and excitement that we went to see the new parents and meet their new baby girl!
Miro greeted us at the door like the proud Papa he was! Slovakians have a flair for entertaining, and a new child is nothing but a fabulous reason to celebrate! We drank champagne in the bedroom, surrounding Marcela and pretty Adriana. My word was she tiny... she was born at 7lbs or so, but as expected in the first week, had lost 8oz... so she must have been in the 6lbs range. Xander had never been that small... I had never held such a feather light infant. With all the muscular conditioning that Xander gives my biceps everyday, I could hardly feel the weight of the darling girl! I could have held her for days without tiring!
Sitting on their bed, watching Marcela trying to get Adriana to latch and eat, brought back a rush of memories... those feelings of uncertainty in your parenting skills, the worry about if the baby is getting enough to eat, looming jaudice, and the total absorption of your energy and focus on this little person. That total fascination in just watching them breath and dream.
John and I felt like seasoned old timers... after all, we made it through the jaudice, the feeding problems, the first cold and the first fall of the couch. We've learned to trust our instincts, and read our son.
Seasoned pro? Not quite.
But I'm sure enjoying the ride.
Congratulations my friends! Welcome to the club!

My new view on Dharana...

Before Xander Everest came into my life, I truly had no idea how my life was going to change. I wasn't naive in that I didn't think it wouldn't change, I just couldn't imagine the enormity of those changes. As a yoga practitioner for 15years and a teacher for 9years I thought I was good at being in the present moment. I thought I had worked on dharana, focus and concentration, while practicing postures and breath work. I thought I had achieved some modicum of staying in the present moment through my meditation practice... ah hubris...
Birth, I can say for sure, will change your outlook on yourself, your body and what you are able to endure. Nobody comes out the other side unchanged...
Slowly as you unfurl into parenthood one thing is certain, this little bundle of joy is looking to you for sustenance, for warmth, for love and for attention. And they know if YOU are not paying attention to them, or even being present with them. My son will let me know immediately if my mind goes elsewhere... he wants me fully... no sharing with computer or book... all my attention and focus must be his. Bless him for it! I don't think I've ever been around anyone who was SO in to me... it's humbling to say the least. His smile breaks my heart into a thousand pulsating pieces, and when he reaches his little had to my face, I want to cry. He holds no grudges, no judgments, no resentments... he is pure love and present moments. He is truly a teacher to behold...