Sunday, April 10, 2011

I've met one of the Four Horsemen

"Flowers grow out of dark moments". - Corita Kent


February was NOT a kind month to us... neither was most of March. Poor little Xander contracted a highly contagious virus called RSV from his best friend (who had contracted it from a classmate at preschool). When we got him checked out at the Doc's they told us his nasal swab test was negative, so we assumed he had allergies or a little cold. Life went on as usual... until the night his little 30lbs frame was racked with coughs, and he couldn't breathe unless he was upright.
Uh-oh...
We hadn't been keeping Xander under quarantine (this evil RSV is so contagious that not only do you need to slather yourself with anti-bacterial gel to go between kiddos, but you need to change shirts as well!), so 4 week old Harper ended up with this dangerous virus. RSV is hard for any kid under 2 to deal with, but it's life threatening to a newborn. Little babies die every year from Nov - March from this virus... as our pediatrician said, "Their little lungs get so tired from just trying to breath, that they just give up". It was so bad, that John had to take a week off of work because each of us were up all night with each kid - keeping them upright as much as possible as they slept, dosing them with motrin when their fevers spiked, and administering nebulizer treatments of albuterol and saline.
But it didn't end there... oh no.
Once you manage to get over the RSV, then you have to deal with a secondary infection that takes hold of the lungs due to the compromised immune system. John came down with a nasty case of bronchitis, and then the two little ones, followed lastly by me. After 5 weeks of sickness with countless nebulizer treatments and a few rounds of antibiotics, we all managed to come out somewhat physically unscathed.
The emotional scars was something else entirely.
In the middle of all this pestilence at the Noss household, in my sleep deprived mind, I thought I was being punished by God. I had mentioned to my BFF Lisa a few weeks back that I was finding myself getting annoyed with baby Harper and his constant 2hr feeding schedule. I was resenting his crying waking up Xander from his naps or nighttime sleep. And finally, I told her that I loved my year-and-a-half old more than my one month old.
In the midst of this RSV crisis, with Harper's life on the line, I thought I was being punished for being a bad mother. That I had invited the Universe to take him away. Words have power, and I had voiced a sentiment out loud that I couldn't take back.
But God works in strange ways... RSV changed my relationship with my little 4 week old. We bonded in the wee hours of the night, as I stood and stared into the abyss, keeping the Grim Reaper away with every passing hour. As he slept on me, cradled in my arms and upright, he fought the infection with his whole being (and smiling throughout it all), my little valiant boy, and something inside of me softened. I fell in love.
At three months now, Harper is a happy baby. He'll smile at you the minute you look at him, give him kisses, and it's an all out grin. Not bad for a kid who was sick for almost half his life (so far that is). I love both my boys equally... though not in the same way. But I love Harper just as much as I love Xander. I can't imagine my life without him. Thank you Universe.