"Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold."
Zelda Fitzgerald
Zelda Fitzgerald
Well, it's no secret that I've been absent from the blog world this last few months. The reason, you ask? I little surprise in the proverbial oven. I didn't know I had some Irish in me, if you get my drift, as my children will only be 16 months apart... which is a big difference from the 3 years difference from me and my brother and the respective 20 & 23 years difference between me and my half sisters.
To be perfectly frank, I was not thrilled with the news... I still had the last 20lbs to loose from my first pregnancy (yes, Xander put 55lbs on my 5'4" frame even without eating junk food, fast food or sugar), I was slated to lead the Fall Teacher Training track at Yoga Yoga (yeah income!) and we were finally starting to get some sleep!
Then I get hit up side the head with a 2 x 4! Happy Mother's Day! Two dark lines on the pee test...
(Mental note: next time, for hubbies birthday, go the traditional route of a BJ not sex)
So here we go again... I've made my peace with the news, and realized that if it hadn't happened on accident, who knows if I'd be willing to go through the whole process again with me being 35+ and getting spoiled by having an older (and easier t0 manage) toddler.
Good news is the baby isn't due until January 3rd, which will put my 3rd trimester in the fall and winter instead of the horrendous Texas summers of 100 degrees like we did last time. I've got a better idea of what will happen with my body as well as familiarity with labor.
To counter act my bodies tendency to go past 40 weeks (Xander was 2 weeks late) my AMAZING accupuncturist/Ayurvedic doc Craig will be on hand to do some 3 day in row sessions to get labor going on my 39th week. I'll also be able to continue walking/exercising outside during my 3rd trimester (instead of being so swollen due to the heat/humidity that my feet couldn't fit into most shoes!) and I'm determined to make sure I don't gain anywhere near 55lbs this time! I wish they had Crossfit for preggers....
On the other hand, the looming reality of what is to come has started to bare it's head. Already this baby hasn't gotten the attention that Xander received in utero. Half the time I forget that I'm pregnant, since I have a 9 month old that is demanding attention, and I feel that I don't give enough attention to Xander due to the morning sickness and bionic tiredness I've been feeling. How does one keep all these plates in the air? The reality is you don't... somethings gotta give. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it.
Other mothers of two tell me that your heart just expands and that you love the next child as much as the first, and nothing is taken away from the first... it must be true, I know, but at this point in the process I don't how it happens. I look into my little boy's bright blue eyes, and don't know how he cannot be the center of my Universe... how is he gonna feel about sharing Mom and Dad? How will I be able to give all of myself to the next baby and to Xander? Maybe it's a question left up the theoretical physicists of the world.
Gosh. So much. I cried for weeks before and after L was born. Because I couldn't let go of the one on one, center of my universe, love of my life relationship with S. I grieved. And S grieved, I know. It's been so hard. But L is a bright, shiney joyous creature I thank god is here and in my arms. Today he "taught" her how to stand up. Seeing them interact is a new phenomenon that makes all the pain worth it. As faris reminds me, "it's hard now but you gave him the gift of a sibling".
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