Momma Belly

It's been almost 6 months since my "vagina opened to the size of a small melon" (to quote my husband) to evict my beautiful little boy. Now, mind you, Xander was a full 2 weeks late, so you can imagine the state of my belly. I'm wondering when my body will return to it's pre-pregnancy state. Or at least, return to some semblance of what it once was.
Clothing, which used to give me such joy, is now a chore to pick out, mostly because nothing fits right. Extra skin tends to bubble up in strange places, giving use to the term "muffin top". I did, however, manage to fit in to my "fat jeans" this week.... ahh, small victories.

Date night

Yesterday, John and I were able to go on a "post-Valentine's Day" date, due to him being off for President's Day and our friends being willing to babysit. This was our first date since December, when we were away in Ann Arbor, MI visiting my relatives, and my mother and brother were generous enough to give us an afternoon off!
It was a lovely and quiet day, being a week day and lunch time in San Antonio. I had managed to put some make-up on, style my hair, and managed to squeeze into a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans. I even wore heels! Although, I will say, I asked John if I still looked like a mommy, and he said I always look like a mommy... not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I'll take it as a compliment. We sat next to each other at a booth at the Flying Saucer and ordered a fancy salad and a deluxe burger to share. We had a huge selection of draft pints at half off, which made John VERY happy! All in all, a perfect lunch.
The thing is, once you become a parent, you can't really shut it off. It's like a state of mind that does not reverse itself. Even though you are having fun, as an adult with another adult, in the back of your mind, you are always thinking about your child, wondering if they are okay, hoping that they are not torturing the baby sitter, praying that they took their nap or drank enough milk to not be fussy, etc, etc. We miss him, even when he's grumpy. It's kind of hard to have a ton of fun without the little tyke. I'd rather have a date night with three...

Valentine's Day thoughts

Today, on this fabulous day of Saint Valentine, I was thinking about Love and all the different kinds of love I have experienced in my wee 34 (soon to be 35) years of existing on this little blue planet.
There's how much I love my parents, and how that love has changed and grown over the years (and to be honest, even strained for a few years during puberty). And don't forget the first pangs of hormonal Junior High obsessive love, whether it be for a classmate or most likely some teeniebopper marketed, radio over-played singer. How you could be SO crushed if they did something rude or mean, and you could change your feelings from obsessing to despising with a week.
There was my first "grown-up" love in collage, which managed to turn into a 10 year committed relationship. And then there's discovery of self-love, where you actually like yourself and put your mental, emotional and psychological health above all the crazy people you have managed to attract into your life! Later comes the more mature love, that has less to do with "hipness" and more with emotional, social and lifestyle compatibility.
And finally, "love-at-first-sight", and how that TRULY exists. I know it does, and every parent feels it when they see their child for the first time. You are utterly and totally unprepared for it, but grateful and humbled by it as well. I have never known a love so fierce in my life - I have become a more outspoken, vigilant and honest person due to this tiny person. I have never been more connected or more protective of another human being than I am with Xander.
And, with this deepening of feeling, comes a more tender love between my spouse and I. We are a family now. Connected through our son for the rest of our lives.
It doesn't get much better than that...

A Conversation Starter

Well, having a wee babe has made life all together much more interesting. There are parts of your life that you end up letting go of, and even friends you may not see very often, if at all. Children make life much more complicated and a less spontaneous in the traditional ways... planning and organizing become less of a "I'm working on it" and more of a "can't live sanely with out it". Trips to the grocery store are epic journeys and errands are done in pairs, with stops home or to friends houses (those with other small children) to change a poopy diaper or to feed a hungry, grumpy child. Spontaneity is more about bodily functions finding a trajectory for your clothing, your hair or someone's couch or nice bedspread.
With all that said, I find that perfect strangers are willing to come up and say something nice to me. All because of the cute, wiggly, smiley little bundle of beans you are carrying in your arms. Where I was often ignored in a grocery store line, cash register clerks will smile and offer to help carry out groceries to my car. People standing next to me in line will start up a conversation and help entertain my squirmy boy. At the airport, during the post-Christmas/pre-New Years hub-bub, both the ticketing agents and the security guards were nice and smiled at us!
Even my husband, John, has remarked how everyone talks to him now. He recently took little Xander to the Independence Brewery 1st of the month Open House here in Austin, TX. He came home with stories of random people, couples, Dads and single ladies all starting conversations with him. Whereas before, he was mostly ignored (being heinously miss grouped in the catagory "single dude looking to get trashed and hook up). It's as if Xander is a badge that tells everyone, "Yes, I'm normal and not at all creepy".
A kid, for better or worse, is definitely a conversation starter...

Ch-ch-changes....

It's crazy to look back at older pictures of my little Xander. He truly has changed dramatically. He's sitting up now without much assistance (although he will topple over when he reaches for something that just a little out of reach!), he smiles and laughs at the dogs, his daddy and his mommy of course! He even tries to "pet" the cats, which bless our precious felines, not one has hissed at him or swatted at him. They quietly take the abuse and then move away once he looses interest. Talk about Zen kitties!
One of his favorite things to do is to sit up in his pack and play, surrounded by his Clifford, the Big Red dog stuffed animal and chew on his Clifford book... I think it must be the vibrant color! A most voracious reader, if I do say so myself.
My day consists on just marveling at this amazing person before me. I even love his new obsession with screeching a high pitch wail at the top of his lungs when he's excited. My eardrums are taking a beating, but it makes me smile every time...

Looking back...

Last night we went to see our friends Miro and Marcela. They had just welcomed a baby girl into the world, Adriana, on Saturday afternoon. As we packed up our 20lbs 5month old into his Britax car seat (yes, he is too big to fit into the infant car seat we originally had!), I tried to remember what it was like for us during those first few days at home with a newborn. It's hard to remember Xander as tiny... or at least tiny for him, as he was born at 9lbs 5oz! The last five months has been full of growth and milestones. He laughs, smiles, and reaches for us... he's interactive. I can barely remember the days when his eyes couldn't focus on us and his hands were balled up and uncoordinated. So it was with great curiosity and excitement that we went to see the new parents and meet their new baby girl!
Miro greeted us at the door like the proud Papa he was! Slovakians have a flair for entertaining, and a new child is nothing but a fabulous reason to celebrate! We drank champagne in the bedroom, surrounding Marcela and pretty Adriana. My word was she tiny... she was born at 7lbs or so, but as expected in the first week, had lost 8oz... so she must have been in the 6lbs range. Xander had never been that small... I had never held such a feather light infant. With all the muscular conditioning that Xander gives my biceps everyday, I could hardly feel the weight of the darling girl! I could have held her for days without tiring!
Sitting on their bed, watching Marcela trying to get Adriana to latch and eat, brought back a rush of memories... those feelings of uncertainty in your parenting skills, the worry about if the baby is getting enough to eat, looming jaudice, and the total absorption of your energy and focus on this little person. That total fascination in just watching them breath and dream.
John and I felt like seasoned old timers... after all, we made it through the jaudice, the feeding problems, the first cold and the first fall of the couch. We've learned to trust our instincts, and read our son.
Seasoned pro? Not quite.
But I'm sure enjoying the ride.
Congratulations my friends! Welcome to the club!

My new view on Dharana...

Before Xander Everest came into my life, I truly had no idea how my life was going to change. I wasn't naive in that I didn't think it wouldn't change, I just couldn't imagine the enormity of those changes. As a yoga practitioner for 15years and a teacher for 9years I thought I was good at being in the present moment. I thought I had worked on dharana, focus and concentration, while practicing postures and breath work. I thought I had achieved some modicum of staying in the present moment through my meditation practice... ah hubris...
Birth, I can say for sure, will change your outlook on yourself, your body and what you are able to endure. Nobody comes out the other side unchanged...
Slowly as you unfurl into parenthood one thing is certain, this little bundle of joy is looking to you for sustenance, for warmth, for love and for attention. And they know if YOU are not paying attention to them, or even being present with them. My son will let me know immediately if my mind goes elsewhere... he wants me fully... no sharing with computer or book... all my attention and focus must be his. Bless him for it! I don't think I've ever been around anyone who was SO in to me... it's humbling to say the least. His smile breaks my heart into a thousand pulsating pieces, and when he reaches his little had to my face, I want to cry. He holds no grudges, no judgments, no resentments... he is pure love and present moments. He is truly a teacher to behold...