I've met one of the Four Horsemen

"Flowers grow out of dark moments". - Corita Kent

February was NOT a kind month to us... neither was most of March. Poor little Xander contracted a highly contagious virus called RSV from his best friend (who had contracted it from a classmate at preschool). When we got him checked out at the Doc's they told us his nasal swab test was negative, so we assumed he had allergies or a little cold. Life went on as usual... until the night his little 30lbs frame was racked with coughs, and he couldn't breathe unless he was upright.
Uh-oh...
We hadn't been keeping Xander under quarantine (this evil RSV is so contagious that not only do you need to slather yourself with anti-bacterial gel to go between kiddos, but you need to change shirts as well!), so 4 week old Harper ended up with this dangerous virus. RSV is hard for any kid under 2 to deal with, but it's life threatening to a newborn. Little babies die every year from Nov - March from this virus... as our pediatrician said, "Their little lungs get so tired from just trying to breath, that they just give up". It was so bad, that John had to take a week off of work because each of us were up all night with each kid - keeping them upright as much as possible as they slept, dosing them with motrin when their fevers spiked, and administering nebulizer treatments of albuterol and saline.
But it didn't end there... oh no.
Once you manage to get over the RSV, then you have to deal with a secondary infection that takes hold of the lungs due to the compromised immune system. John came down with a nasty case of bronchitis, and then the two little ones, followed lastly by me. After 5 weeks of sickness with countless nebulizer treatments and a few rounds of antibiotics, we all managed to come out somewhat physically unscathed.
The emotional scars was something else entirely.
In the middle of all this pestilence at the Noss household, in my sleep deprived mind, I thought I was being punished by God. I had mentioned to my BFF Lisa a few weeks back that I was finding myself getting annoyed with baby Harper and his constant 2hr feeding schedule. I was resenting his crying waking up Xander from his naps or nighttime sleep. And finally, I told her that I loved my year-and-a-half old more than my one month old.
In the midst of this RSV crisis, with Harper's life on the line, I thought I was being punished for being a bad mother. That I had invited the Universe to take him away. Words have power, and I had voiced a sentiment out loud that I couldn't take back.
But God works in strange ways... RSV changed my relationship with my little 4 week old. We bonded in the wee hours of the night, as I stood and stared into the abyss, keeping the Grim Reaper away with every passing hour. As he slept on me, cradled in my arms and upright, he fought the infection with his whole being (and smiling throughout it all), my little valiant boy, and something inside of me softened. I fell in love.
At three months now, Harper is a happy baby. He'll smile at you the minute you look at him, give him kisses, and it's an all out grin. Not bad for a kid who was sick for almost half his life (so far that is). I love both my boys equally... though not in the same way. But I love Harper just as much as I love Xander. I can't imagine my life without him. Thank you Universe.

The Gateway

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." ~Albert Camus

There is an obsession with BIRTH. What kind of birth are you planning? Was it the birth that you wanted? Tell me your birth story... etc. etc. Don't get me wrong... I get it. Especially if it's your first time going through the process. It's a HUGE unknown. You have no idea what it feels like (only that it will most likely hurt like hell), and if your body is even prepared to do it. But having gone through the process twice now, and being on the otherside, I have to tell you... who cares?

Birth is not the hard part. It's just a gateway. It's what comes after that REALLY hard. It's the feedings at all hours of the night, the colic in the evening, the projectile spitup in your hair and down your front, the breastfeeding dance, the trying to find a moment to feed yourself as you bounce the 2 week old in your lap and the toddler has a melt down under the dinning room table. Peeing in private? HA! That's a luxury.

I know it sounds callus, and I apologize, but I'm concerned that we're idealizing and fixating on the wrong process. It's like the bride who obsesses about all the perfect details on her wedding, and loses sight of the marriage that she's committing too. A stunning couture dress and a palatial reception hall does not guarantee a long and happy union.

Many of us will not have an easy go of birthing our beloved children. Chalk it up to Karma or Murphy's Law or whatever. Vent for a few weeks, even months if you have to, but then let it go... because the real work is right in front of you. That beautifully little being that chose you to love, to nourish, to raise him/her into a well-adjusted happy little person. So what if your birth was not ideal... it doesn't mean that Motherhood can't be fulfilling and awe-inspiring.

The Arrival

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." ~Rumi

My little Harper Augustus MacLeod Noss arrived on a cool early morning on Thursday, January 6th, 2011. At 4:00am on the dot to be exact. His birth was completely different from my firsts. Whereas most of Xanders 14hr birth was a blur, due to pain and the circus of my family, Harper's was peaceful and quick. Only John, Dr. Campaigne and a lovely young blond nurse named Laura were in attendance. There was a sense of calm and peacefulness, and thanks to the miracle of the epidural, I was able to be more present in my participation.
He was only 3 days late... and he came on his own - no induction! He seems small to us, at 8lbs 10oz, but that's because we were used to Xander's 9lbs 5oz at birth, and his 3olb muscular little frame at 16months now!
To say Harper is perfect would be redundant. All newborns are perfect. He is no exception. I love him completely, although very differently than Xander. At this point, my love is more instinctual - the momma bear coming out to protect her defenseless young. My love for Xander is one of constant evolution - he continually amazes me with his bright intelligence and consistent sweetness and kindness for others.
The two brothers do not quite interact just yet (Harper is just over 2 weeks old), but Xander has shown interest and concern when Harper is upset. He has even leaned over and kissed the little newbie on the head more than once!
I can't wait until they are the best of friends...

Xander's First Birthday

“Life becomes precious and more special to us when we look for the little everyday miracles and get excited about the privileges of simply being human.” ~Tim Hansel

Xander Everest MacLeod Noss turned 1 year old yesterday! It was a day of fun and celebration for the little tyke, as cousins and friends came over to the house bearing musical toys all wrapped up in pretty paper. John and I had stayed up until 1am the previous night getting everything ready and we were up by 6:45am that morning to finish the job! Xander wore his "guavera" onesie to give a shout out to the Puerto Rican side, and we served Salsa & Guacamole for the Mexican part! I baked an organic carrot cake (with not so good for you cream cheese icing) and muffins for the occasion. My little man even tried a bit of the cupcake! His first cupcake!
I have to admit that the day was a little bittersweet for me... my little baby is not really a baby anymore. He's a toddler now, which means more forays into independence and boundary testing. But, he's also communicating more, laughing, smiling and taking life on with gusto. Looking back at the photos of the past year has made me truly be thankful of our modern conveniences of digital cameras and video recorders... I haven't missed a moment of his wonderous life, and I'll be able to look back at his growth and change for years to come. It truly does go by so fast... (at least I have a second one on the way!)

And he takes off...

Xander started walking a week and a half ago, taking a few timid steps before sitting back on his rump. Now, he's walking around everywhere, barely crawling at all! He's SO happy! Check him out!

Stumbling into Toddlerhood

"Put you hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it feels like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it feels like a minute. THAT'S relativity." - Albert Einstein

My sweet baby boy, is turning into a sweet toddler... More often than not, he stands up and tries to walk where he wants to go, rather than crawl. I'm so proud of his fierce determination and his inexhaustible spirit! At 10 1/2 months, he's blown me away. I think some of his inspiration comes from his little playmate Josephine, who is 2 months older than him (although fittingly smaller, as a petite fille should be!). I swear he's trying to keep up with her!

Today I baby sat the two of them, while her mother caught up on some work stuff. I wish my camera hadn't run out of memory... I have never seem them so hyper before! They did laps around my living room squealing at the top of their lungs while they chased (combination of stumbling walk and crawling) each other. It was their first game of tag. My smile was plastered on, as I tried not to laugh at our little zombies - arms reached out, hands grasping, droll sliding down faces, as they stumbled around on inexperienced legs. Too funny!

Even though I didn't get any footage of the two of them together, I did get some footage of Xander walking earlier that morning... I love my little zombie toddler!

The Cat is out of the Bag

"Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold."
Zelda Fitzgerald

Well, it's no secret that I've been absent from the blog world this last few months. The reason, you ask? I little surprise in the proverbial oven. I didn't know I had some Irish in me, if you get my drift, as my children will only be 16 months apart... which is a big difference from the 3 years difference from me and my brother and the respective 20 & 23 years difference between me and my half sisters.

To be perfectly frank, I was not thrilled with the news... I still had the last 20lbs to loose from my first pregnancy (yes, Xander put 55lbs on my 5'4" frame even without eating junk food, fast food or sugar), I was slated to lead the Fall Teacher Training track at Yoga Yoga (yeah income!) and we were finally starting to get some sleep!
Then I get hit up side the head with a 2 x 4! Happy Mother's Day! Two dark lines on the pee test...

(Mental note: next time, for hubbies birthday, go the traditional route of a BJ not sex)

So here we go again... I've made my peace with the news, and realized that if it hadn't happened on accident, who knows if I'd be willing to go through the whole process again with me being 35+ and getting spoiled by having an older (and easier t0 manage) toddler.

Good news is the baby isn't due until January 3rd, which will put my 3rd trimester in the fall and winter instead of the horrendous Texas summers of 100 degrees like we did last time. I've got a better idea of what will happen with my body as well as familiarity with labor.

To counter act my bodies tendency to go past 40 weeks (Xander was 2 weeks late) my AMAZING accupuncturist/Ayurvedic doc Craig will be on hand to do some 3 day in row sessions to get labor going on my 39th week. I'll also be able to continue walking/exercising outside during my 3rd trimester (instead of being so swollen due to the heat/humidity that my feet couldn't fit into most shoes!) and I'm determined to make sure I don't gain anywhere near 55lbs this time! I wish they had Crossfit for preggers....

On the other hand, the looming reality of what is to come has started to bare it's head. Already this baby hasn't gotten the attention that Xander received in utero. Half the time I forget that I'm pregnant, since I have a 9 month old that is demanding attention, and I feel that I don't give enough attention to Xander due to the morning sickness and bionic tiredness I've been feeling. How does one keep all these plates in the air? The reality is you don't... somethings gotta give. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it.

Other mothers of two tell me that your heart just expands and that you love the next child as much as the first, and nothing is taken away from the first... it must be true, I know, but at this point in the process I don't how it happens. I look into my little boy's bright blue eyes, and don't know how he cannot be the center of my Universe... how is he gonna feel about sharing Mom and Dad? How will I be able to give all of myself to the next baby and to Xander? Maybe it's a question left up the theoretical physicists of the world.